“You didn’t leave me! I can’t believe it..you didn’t leave me.” This line can be heard a) in the film Speed, or b) in my living room after I made my wife watch seven Sandra Bullock movies over the course of a week. The answer is both. Seriously, I’m really surprised she didn’t leave me. Imagine having your significant other tell you that two hours of your free time everyday for the next week will be filled with something you didn’t ask for, or even wanted in the first place.
How does something like this happen? Well, in this case, I had already watched ‘A Time to Kill’ and ‘The Proposal’ with my wife, then decided that I needed to dedicate an entire week to Sandra Bullock movies. Over the course of a week, we watched the following seven films: Miss Congeniality, Miss Congeniality 2: Armed & Fabulous, Speed, The Heat, The Blind Side, Gravity, and Our Brand is Crisis. In case you were wondering why I didn’t include some of her more highly acclaimed films such as 28 Days or Crash, I should tell you that my criteria for selection was somewhat random. Some films I’ve never seen before, others I’ve seen, but not in a long time, others I had only seen part of, and other I hadn’t seen at all. I only have so much time during the day so cuts had to be made. Also, Sandra Bullock Month would not have gone over well[1]. What follows is our collective experience watching these films, including my wife’s hilarious (and sometimes controversial) comments.
Miss Congeniality
The first stop on the Sandra Bullock Tour was Miss Congeniality, a film both of us had seen previously. A wonderful comedic performance by Bullock and one of her most recognizable films. It’s so fun to watch. Michael Caine doing his best Michael Caine impression. Ernie Hudson as Deputy Director (You go, Winston). The Candice Bergen/William Shatner as pageant duo is almost too bizarre to watch. This is the type of film that my wife can get behind. It was definitely a nostalgia trip for her. The only moment of the film she questions is when Bullock’s Gracie Hart stuffs two glazed donuts into her bra and walks away without her boobs covered in goo.
Miss Congeniality 2: Armed & Fabulous
An enjoyable movie, but more of the same, only without Benjamin Bratt. This was my first viewing of this movie, but the wife had seen it. She spent the majority of it facing away from the TV on her phone playing Candy Crush while I gave her a foot massage. Based on the survey I made my wife take after the week’s conclusion, it is her opinion that this movie is why we haven’t seen a sequel to ‘The Heat’.
The Heat
I let my wife choose the 3rd Bullock flick and she picked a good one[2]. The Heat is hilarious! More LOLs in this movie than in any other. Melissa McCarthy is at Axel Foley-levels using the F-bomb, which worked to perfection. Bullock might be at her funniest in her role as Agent Ashburn[3], despite playing it straight for the first hour and a half. Wife laughed at me laughing at the movie. I love it when that happens. I forgot how much the ending set up a sequel, but I haven’t heard boo on The Heat 2[4].
At this point, we’ve watched three movies in a row starring Sandra Bullock as a FBI agent. It was time for a change.
Speed
BIG TIME change.. The FBI is still involved with the movie, it’s just that KEANU is the agent and SANDRA is the unsuspecting hero that drives the bus, even though she has a suspended license. Anyway, It’s been awhile since I’ve watched Speed, but MAN, this is peak 90’s action movie. When aliens take over our planet a million years from now and study our cinematic history, they will watch this movie and now exactly when it was made (1994). The opening elevator scene gave the wife a bit of anxiety. She spent most of it on her phone, but I made sure that she watched the bus jump[5]. She laughed at it’s lack of realism[6]. She was equally unimpressed with the subway train jump at the end of the film as well. Additionally, she said she will never get past the overuse of overly dramatic music in 90’s action movies[7]. Clearly, this wasn’t her favorite of the group, but she should be thankful I didn’t make her watch Speed 2: Cruise Control.
Gravity
Finally, a movie with no FBI agents or police of any kind. A great film that is vastly different from all the films we watched. This was only the second time watching it and I’ve come to the fairly obvious conclusion that this movie is way better in the theater. It’s not hard to imagine what it would be like floating helplessly around in space. About half way through, the wife thought the movie was “silly”, a comment which resulted in a side-eye look from me. I understand that the likelihood of an astronaut surviving TWO debris storms, having to travel to TWO different space stations to hijack a pod to get home is quite small, but COME ON, WIFE! THIS MOVIE IS AWESOME.
Our Brand is Crisis
Interesting movie, and probably the least notable of the bunch. I picked it because I had seen parts of it on HBO during a work trip last year and never saw the end. The wife thought it was fine. I mean, besides Sandra’s hair, which was ‘terrible’.
The Blind Side
Then came the Blind Side, Bullock’s Academy Award-winning turn as Leigh Anne Touhy. This was the first time either the wife or I had seen this film. She thought that Quinton Aaron’s face was too sad and she couldn’t get over it. But, she enjoyed the sassiness of Bullock’s character. I thought it was a great movie. I’m not surprised she won the Oscar for her performance.
I thought about ranking these movies as a part of the viewing experiment, but they cover such a large range of genres that comparing them would do them a disservice[8]. I will, however, give out individual awards in categories that I made up specifically for this piece:
The ROTFL Award: The Heat
The High Blood Pressure and Anxiety Award[9]: Gravity
The I’ll Always Watch it if it’s on Award: Speed
Who doesn’t love a Sandra Bullock movie? After spending over 14 hours watching her on my TV in the last seven days, I don’t regret a minute of it. I’ve already begun compiling a list for Sandra Bullock Week 2: Cruise Control.
Footnotes
1. However, I might be able to get away with Sandra Bullock Week Part 2 at some point.
2. Although, she considers it to be more of a Melissa McCarthy movie. Whatever. It’s 50/50 at best.
3. Sliding middle fingers across a glass door remains the most underrated use of the middle finger.
4. See previous section regarding sequels.
5. I tried to tell her that this was the quintessential mid-90’s movie stunt.
6. Check out this video of the making of the jump.
7. Looking at you, Blown Away.
8. With the exception of the Miss Congeniality movies, which can be compared. The original is better, hands down.
9. Given on behalf of the wife, although she won’t admit it.
The Shorts 